The healing power of presence

What four days with Bessel van der Kolk and Licia Sky revealed about the energy behind our words

In April this year, I had the privilege of attending a four-day immersive retreat with Dr Bessel van der Kolk and Licia Sky in Australia.

I came in really excited to learn directly from these world-class teachers. What I didn't expect was that one of the most important things I'd take home would be a deeper appreciation of the healing power of presence.

If you've spent any time exploring healing, personal growth or trauma, you may know Dr Bessel van der Kolk's work. He's a world-renowned psychiatrist, trauma researcher and author of The Body Keeps the Score (one of the most influential books ever written on trauma and healing).

I've been studying Bessel's work for years, through his books, in-person workshops and online trainings. The way I work with clients has been deeply influenced by his work and research.

Licia Sky is a somatic educator, artist and bodyworker whose work centres on embodiment, attunement and connection. She trains mental health professionals and helps people move beyond intellectual understanding into lived experience.

I first came across Licia's work at a workshop Bessel held in Sydney last year. I was immediately drawn to the way she brought embodiment and connection to life in the room.

So when the opportunity came to spend 4 days learning directly from Bessel and Licia in a small retreat setting, I jumped at it with no hesitation. It was a full body yes.

Selfie time with Dr Bessel van der Kolk

When imposter syndrome walks in nonchalantly

On the first day, I looked around the room and noticed just how experienced many of the participants were. Psychologists, psychiatrists, practitioners with so much experience behind them. Some had worked with Bessel and Licia before.

Then imposter syndrome quietly made an appearance. How am I even in this room? Am I supposed to be here?

It wasn't really about feeling like an outsider, I already knew the beautiful facilitators who put the retreat together and a few of the talented practitioners. It was more a creeping sense of wondering if I was good enough to be in a room with people of that calibre.

I stayed with that feeling. It was uncomfortable, but I held it with compassion. Instead of trying to push it away or convince myself it (or I!) shouldn't be there, I noticed it, acknowledged it and gave it some space.

And to my delight, it didn't last too long. As the retreat unfolded and I started connecting with the other participants, something became obvious: we all brought something different. Different experiences, different gifts, different ways of connecting, helping people and each other.

By the second day, the self-doubt really started to dissolve. I found myself supporting people in ways that felt natural and far less interested in titles, qualifications or years of experience.

What mattered was the quality of the human connection.

The magic lives in the in-between

The workshops were fascinating.

We explored trauma, embodiment, healing, and integration, which was a central theme throughout the retreat.

But many of the meaningful moments didn't happen during the sessions. They happened in between: walking and swimming together, sharing meals and stories, laughing, just being human.

Getting to know Bessel and Licia as human beings, beyond the teachers, was very special. Singing Edith Piaf (yes, in French!) with Bessel was a surprising highlight. He’s funny, so passionate about his work, and far more playful than I expected.

That experience only deepened my respect and appreciation for this brilliant human and the work he's devoted his life to.

But it’s from Licia that I learnt something truly special at this retreat.

We may think that the magic happens in the therapy room, the workshop, the retreat etc and yes, sometimes it does. But I find that the deepest moments often happen in the spaces in between.

Bush walk to the Magic River

 

When the body needs more than the mind knows

One theme came up again and again throughout the retreat: the importance of experience.

We can understand something with our minds for years... We can know where a pattern comes from... We can understand why we react the way we do... We can have the most profound insights…

But sometimes — if not most of the time — our bodies need an experience before they can fully believe and feel what our minds already know.

Have you ever understood something intellectually, yet the change you wanted still didn't happen?

Being immersed in an environment where connection, embodiment and presence were constantly being practised allowed me to experience this more deeply.

And Licia made it so tangible to me.

What Licia Sky taught me about presence

Her presence is tricky to describe.

When she was with someone, she was with them fully: she slowed down, listened deeply, maintained beautiful eye contact, her energy was fully with them.

There was a quality of attention that feels genuinely rare in today's world.

On the first day, she mentioned that remembering people's names was important to her. There were around 25 of us. I thought there's no way she'll remember everyone already.

Yet she remembered the names of all the people she had a short interaction with earlier that day. Including mine. I was so surprised, and impressed.

It may sound like such a small thing. But it struck me how rare it is to witness someone place so much importance on acknowledging every single individual in the room by paying attention and remembering their name after hearing it only once.

Communicating, without saying it directly, that every person there mattered.

With Licia Sky

Behind the words

And I’m wondering how often we miss opportunities for connection because we're distracted, rushing, planning our next response, checking our phones, trying to solve someone's problem before they've even finished sharing.

I don’t have stats for that, but my empirical evidence makes me believe that it’s pretty high...

We focus so much on what to say that we forget the power of just being there. Meeting someone where they are. Being with what’s here in the moment.

And this is where the conversation starts to move beyond words.

I’m guessing that most of us have experienced this before. Being around someone who feels calm, grounded, fun [insert your favourite qualities here] and fully here, and someone who feels rushed, distracted, [insert your personal red flags here] or all over the place.

The words coming out of their mouth might be exactly the same, yet the experience is wildly different.

The big difference is the quality of presence and energy they bring into the interaction.

And the more I reflect on this, the more I realise that the quality of our presence may be one of the most, if not the most, essential things shaping our interactions.

And to back this up, as my French-Aussie brain likes to do, research has consistently shown that the quality of the relationship between a therapist and a client is one of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes in therapy, regardless of the approach or techniques being used.

It’s not just what we know or what we say, but the quality of our presence.  

Licia being beautifully present with moi

Integration: taking it home

One of the words that kept returning throughout the retreat was integration.

Healing isn't only what happens during a session, a workshop or a retreat. It's what we do with it afterwards and how we weave the experience into our everyday lives.

For me, one of the biggest pieces of integration has been around presence.

Since returning home, I've noticed myself showing up differently. I now take fewer notes during sessions. I focus even more on the person in front of me: their expressions, their body language, their words, their energy.

I focus on being with them. Trusting that what needs to emerge will emerge. And trusting the healing power that's already within all of us.

Because what this retreat reminded me is that presence itself can be deeply healing. Just being fully there, and letting someone feel that.

It's influenced my personal life too. I've become more aware of how much I value presence from the people I love, and I’m more intentional about offering it in return.

It might not always be easy or comfortable, but I feel it’s truly necessary to deepen relationships.

Emma Park, Bessel, Licia and I

If you can see it, you already have it

One of the last conversations I had with Licia has stayed with me.

I shared with her how much I admired her incredible presence and how much it had impacted me.

She smiled and said:

"If you can see it, you already have it within yourself. It's just a question of practice."

Presence isn't a magical gift that only a few people possess. It's something we can all cultivate. A practice. A heart-led way of showing up in our lives and our work.

And this is where heart coherence can be such a beautiful support: a way of coming back to ourselves so we can meet others with more steadiness, warmth and presence.

When the world constantly pulls our attention in a hundred different directions, presence is becoming rare, and maybe that's why it feels so precious. It might just be a superpower that we can all cultivate.

Licia modelled so beautifully what it can look like to be fully present with ourselves (inner presence) and another person at the same time. It truly lit up something in me.

Maybe that’s what presence really is:

"Right now, right here, I'm with you."

What about you – have you ever experienced this type of healing presence?

Or are you it for others?

Swim in the Magic River

A simple Heart Coherence practice for cultivating presence

If you'd like to explore this for yourself, here's a simple place to start.

Full disclosure: this one is mine, not something Licia's suggested. I find this practice incredibly supportive (more on Heart Coherence here).

The next time you're about to meet someone, pause for 30 seconds.

Bring your attention to your heart area and imagine your breath flowing in and out through your heart area.

Take a few slightly slower and deeper breaths than usual.

Then ask yourself:

"Can I bring just 10% more presence to this interaction?"

And notice what changes.

You may find yourself listening a bit more deeply, rushing less, and feeling more connected to both yourself and the person in front of you.

This simple practice can help your nervous system settle and bring you back to the intelligence of your heart.

Because in order to be fully present with others, we do need a little capacity first.

And as we develop our capacity to stay with our own experience, we strengthen our ability to be present with others over time 🤍

If something in this article has stayed with you and you’d like to explore it more deeply with a holistic practitioner, or if you're navigating stress, anxiety, overwhelm, grief, burnout, or a life transition, feel free to reach out.

I offer a free 15-minute connection call which is a time to connect, ask questions, and explore how I might be able to support you.

With Heart,

Claudia

Holistic Practitioner for Emotional & Nervous System Health

Certified & Accredited EFT Practitioner · Heart Coherence · Somatic EMDR · Trauma-informed

Book a free 15-minute call here.

1:1 session in person in Sydney near Manly (Northern Beaches) and in Double Bay (Better Balance Wellness). If you’re not close to me, online sessions are also available.