Why Setting Boundaries with Family or Loved Ones Feels so Hard (and What your Nervous System has to do with it)

I’m originally French and I’ve been living in Australia for over 20 years now. I’m very close to my family who still lives in France, especially my parents.

And let’s just say… the word boundary is not exactly part of their emotional vocabulary.

A bit like Vegemite. They tried it once, put way too much on the toast, and decided it was a hard ‘no’ from there.

Lately, my parents have been staying with me.

They’re in their 70’s, visiting from France for a couple of months, and even though I love them very much, they know how to push my buttons better (and faster!) than anyone else.

They also like a lot of togetherness.

There’s a quiet assumption that I’ll be available all the time. Conversations flow from one thing to the next, questions keep coming, plans are discussed, re-discussed, then adjusted again.

There’s very little pause, little space.

Somehow, I become the reference point for most decisions, big or small.

Even how to peel a zucchini “the proper way” becomes a topic.

Not the proper way to peel a zucchini 😉

I know how lucky I am that they’re both mostly healthy, that they can travel, and that we actually get along (most of the time).

And also… my nervous system was quietly getting stretched.

At first, I do what many of us do: I push through, I say yes, I tell myself I’m lucky, I ignore my body.

Until my neck tightened. And my head started to hurt. And the hormonal migraines crept back in...

...And I got irritable and resentful.

That’s usually the sign I’ve gone past my limits.

Not because they were doing anything wrong.

But because, little by little, I was abandoning myself to keep the peace, to make sure they were comfortable and as happy as possible during their stay.

This is where boundaries get tricky.

They're trickier with the people we love.

The ones we care about. The ones we don’t want to disappoint.

Why setting boundaries with family feels harder than they “should”

A lot of people I work with say things like:

“I know I should have better boundaries.” “I know what I need to do, but I just can’t seem to do it.” “Why does this feel so hard to do?”

Most of the time, it’s not a confidence, willpower, or communication issue.

It has a lot more to do with how your nervous system learned to keep you safe.

How your Nervous System learns to prioritise connection over boundaries

If you grew up in an environment where harmony mattered more than honesty…

where other people’s emotions felt like your responsibility…

where love was linked to being helpful, easy, or low-maintenance…

…your system adapted intelligently.

You learned to scan, to anticipate, to smooth things over before tension even appeared.

That’s intelligence.

At a nervous system level, the priority wasn't “connection at all costs”.

The real priority was safety.

So the nervous system learned:

If I stay agreeable, helpful, available, I’m less likely to be rejected, criticised, or abandoned.

This is where responses like people pleasing, over-functioning, or rescuing come in - as protective strategies.

And connection isn’t the only way the nervous system protects us.

Some systems move towards others, while others protect by pulling away, shutting down, or becoming defensive.

Different strategies, same goal: staying safe and maintaining belonging.

So later in life, setting a boundary can feel somewhat dangerous, even when it’s reasonable, kind, and necessary.

That’s why it can feel uncomfortable, scary, or even “wrong”, even when intellectually you know the boundary makes sense.

Your nervous system is doing what it learned to do.

What it often looks like when you don't have clear boundaries

It can be surprising, but a lack of boundaries can often look like being:

·       capable

·       reliable

·       generous

For some, it can look like:

·       being the one people lean on

·       being the one who figures things out

·       being the one who keeps things moving

Inside, though, it can feel very different.

It can sound like:

·       “It’s easier if I just do it.”

·       “They don’t mean any harm.”

·       “I’ll deal with myself later.”

·       “It’s not worth the tension.”

It can look like:

·       saying yes when your body says no

·       replying to messages when you’re already exhausted

·       explaining yourself far more than necessary

·       feeling resentful, and then feeling bad for feeling resentful (the double whammy)

And the body starts to step in.

It can be like a fatigue that doesn’t lift or a tension that doesn’t fully go away. Or headaches. Or a sense of being “on”.

Or burnout.

The body send us signals all the time, we’re just very good at ignoring them.

Why “just say no” doesn’t really work for many people

This is where a lot of boundary advice misses the mark to me.

Sometimes, you can know exactly what boundary would help… and feel completely unable to hold it when the moment comes.

Your throat might tighten or your mind might go completely blank. You may start explaining, justifying, negotiating.

And then you end up saying yes or doing the thing you didn't really want to do… again. It’s a nervous system response.

If your body associates honesty with loss of connection, it will choose connection.

That’s why boundaries that come only from the mind often feel shaky or short-lived.

They’re not supported by your nervous system, so they’re hard to sustain.

What healthy boundaries actually feel like

Healthy boundaries aren’t aggressive.

They may sound like:

·       “Let me get back to you.”

·       “That doesn’t work for me right now.”

·       “I need some space before I decide.”

Inside, they usually feel like:

·       a bit of discomfort

·       mixed with relief

·       and a sense of self-respect

Not perfect confidence. Not total calm.

Just enough steadiness to stay with yourself while staying in relationship.

When boundaries are embodied and not forced, something shifts.

There are less resentment and more clarity. More energy available for the things that actually matter to you.

The role of the Nervous System in setting and holding boundaries

If your nervous system is already in overdrive (rushing, bracing, managing) it’s very hard to pause long enough to even feel what you need.

This is why I work with boundaries through nervous system regulation, EFT, and Heart Coherence as supports that help the body settle.

When the body feels a little safer:

·       it’s easier to pause

·       easier to feel into a decision

·       easier to tolerate someone else’s disappointment without collapsing or over-functioning

Setting boundaries with parents: a personal example

Eventually, my body made it clear that something had to change, and this time I finally listened.

The headaches + the irritability + the resentment, it wasn't a great combo.

I knew this feeling, and I also knew it wasn’t sustainable.

Setting the boundary wasn’t dramatic, but it was uncomfortable.

I used EFT beforehand and once I felt more regulated, I named my need for more space and for not being the automatic decision-maker.

When discomfort came up, I stayed with it. I felt it in my body.

It felt a bit rough.

The rescuer in me didn’t like it.

This wasn’t what I usually did, but I needed for things to change.

So I regulated again and I ‘Heart Coherenced it’, as I like to say.

And… lo and behold, the relationship didn’t break.

It just adjusted and felt easier.

There was more room. And maybe more honesty and more respect on both sides.

And above all, less resentment.

Not because I said or did it perfectly (if that’s even a thing). But because I stopped ignoring what my nervous system had been telling me.

And when the time came to set those boundaries again (because they weren’t used to it), I held them. And it wasn’t as uncomfortable to do so the next time. And it felt... liberating.

Now, it’s an ongoing dance.

3 Practical nervous system-informed Tools to practice boundaries

If boundaries feel hard or new for you, start small, not with the biggest, heaviest conversation.

These practices are intentionally small.

Big boundary shifts don’t come from force, they come from capacity.

1. Buy yourself time

Practice phrases like:

·       “Let me check and get back to you.”

·       “I’ll get back to you later.”

This interrupts the automatic fawn response and gives your nervous system space to settle.

 

2. Regulate first, decide second (2–3 minutes)

If your body is activated, your boundary could come out harsh, wobbly, or not at all.

Before responding:

·       Place one hand on your chest

·       Imagine your breath flowing in and out of your chest or heart area

·       Slow your breath slightly

·       Breathe in and out at an even rhythm (same length inhale and exhale) for 1 to 2 minutes.

This Heart Coherence technique (called Heart Focused Breathing) helps shift your physiology out of urgency and into regulation. So you can choose what feels aligned with more ease.

Other regulation tools such as slow breathing, heart coherence, EFT tapping can help your system settle enough to speak from clarity rather than defence.

3. Notice where resentment shows up first

Resentment can often be a delayed boundary signal.

Ask yourself:

·       Where do I feel resentful most often?

·       What did I agree to that cost me more than I realised?

Resentment isn’t a flaw, it’s information.

You may want to tap on it.

 

Boundaries are not walls, they are signals of safety

True boundaries don’t push people away. They create the conditions for sustainable connection.

When your nervous system feels safe enough to say no:

·       Your yes becomes cleaner

·       Your energy becomes more consistent

·       Your body doesn’t have to scream to be heard

And it’s not about becoming rigid or unavailable.

It’s about becoming coherent, internally aligned.

If you need support with boundaries

If this resonated, please know that you’re not broken. Your nervous system has been shaped by connection, responsibility, and care.

Boundaries aren’t always a mindset issue. They can often be a capacity issue.

In my practice, I support women in building that capacity gently — through nervous system regulation, EFT, and heart coherence — so boundaries don’t have to feel like a fight with yourself.

If this resonated and you’d like support, you’re welcome to book a free connection call here.

With Heart,

Claudia Luck-Rodriguez

Holistic Practitioner for Emotional & Nervous System Health - Sydney

Certified & Accredited EFT Practitioner · Heart Coherence · Somatic EMDR · Trauma-informed