When Your Body Says No but You Say Yes Anyway: The Fawning Response
And Why It's Not a Willpower Problem
From a burnt-out workaholic to holistic practitioner for women’s emotional and nervous system health
Another lifetime ago, in my workaholic years, I worked in a start-up.
The rhythm was intense, the environment was fun, the work genuinely interesting. I was managing 3 teams, sitting in meetings most of the day and being micro-managed by my boss.
I was go, go, go. But also exhausted, very stressed, barely sleeping… somehow convinced I loved all the buzz and excitement.
One day, my manager told me he wanted to move our usual Monday morning one-on-one meeting to a call on Sunday evenings.
"Not too late, maybe 6 or 7pm," he said. "Just so we can plan the week."
At that point I was already working 12-14hour days, often getting home late and opening my laptop again until midnight. My life outside of work was becoming pretty much non-existent. And Sunday nights were reserved for family time.
I first thought my boss was joking… He wasn't.
As he started giving me all the very good reasons why this made perfect sense to him, I could feel panic and confusion rising in me.
My body was giving me a very clear "NO". But my mind was frantically coming up with reasons to say yes.
If I say no, he'll think I'm not committed enough.
Maybe this is just what people at this level do.
Maybe I should be able to handle it.
I felt trapped between what I knew and what I thought I was supposed to do. So I gave him a tentative yes.
I didn't have the language for it at the time, but I now often see versions of that moment in my work with clients.
What Is Fawning?
A lot of the women I work with are actually very aware of their patterns.
They know they people-please, they know they overthink, they know they should probably say no more often, speak up more or stop asking everyone else what they think before making a decision.
Knowing it doesn't make it easier though.
When you've spent years keeping the peace, being the reliable one, looking after everyone else, people-pleasing or just getting on with things, overriding or even suppressing yourself can become so automatic you don’t even notice you're doing it.
It’s a nervous system protective response called ‘fawning’.
People-Pleasing Patterns Take Over Without You Noticing
You say yes when you mean no, or you stay quiet because you don't want the awkwardness, the discomfort, the risk of disappointing others, or worse… losing the relationship.
Ever agreed to something and later think, “Whyyy did I say yes to that again?”.
We literally disconnect from our own needs, feelings and agency. We keep everyone else happy, so we can stay safe... even if we disappear in the process.
The signs of us getting into fawning mode can look like:
not knowing what you feel
ignoring your own boundaries
losing contact with your inner signals
or feeling numb about your own needs.
Overtime, it often leads to resentment, frustration, burnout and an erosion of our own sense of self.
This is where nervous system and emotional work can be really powerful.
That moment with my old boss wasn't really a “thinking” problem. My mind had plenty of reasons ready to go. My body already knew the answer way before my thoughts caught up, it was desperately sending me signals for me to listen.
How Nervous System & Somatic Work Helps You Reconnect
In a session together, we slow things down and start paying attention to what’s happening before the automatic response kicks in.
Using modalities such as EFT tapping, nervous system and somatic techniques, we work with what is showing up. Maybe you feel a hesitation, a small tightening somewhere in your body or a subtle feeling of “not too sure about this” (that you would normally brush past). And a big part of this work is also emotional regulation and how to manage our energy better.
What Clients Notice After This Work
One of my Sydney clients described the shift after our work together as feeling “so much clearer straight away” and able to “connect to my heart that knew all the answers.” I love that because, most of the time, we (and our heart’s intelligence) already have the answers.
It’s just hard to hear underneath all the noise – and the noise can be loud!
And sometimes the work is about being comfortable with the uncertainty of life, and trusting that we have the capacity to navigate whatever comes our way. The good news is that there are tools for that too.
Curious What This Could Look Like for You?
My role isn’t to tell you what to do. It’s to help you understand what keeps pulling you away from yourself, work with the stress and emotional patterns underneath it, and get better at recognising your own signals again.
So when something doesn’t feel right, you notice it.
And when something does, you trust yourself enough to go with it.
And that tentative "yes" I gave to my old boss? It eventually became a very clear no. Not too long after, that "no" became one of the reasons I left the job altogether.
The most powerful shift maybe isn't suddenly knowing all the answers - it's having the courage to trust ourselves, our intuition, and to act on what we already know.
If this resonates and you feel ready to look at it more deeply, I offer a free 15-minute connection call with no obligation. A chat where we look at what's going on for you and how I could best support you.
Book your free connection call here or find out more about my work at inner-coherence.com.au
With Heart,
Claudia
Holistic Practitioner for Emotional & Nervous System Health
Certified & Accredited EFT Practitioner · HeartMath® Practitioner · Somatic EMDR · Nervous System Regulation
1:1 session in person in Sydney near Manly (Northern Beaches) and in Double Bay (Better Balance Wellness). If you’re not close to me, online sessions are also available.
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